Meg Ryan.

It may be too soon to share this with you. We haven't known each other long; I don't know if the necessary level of trust exists yet. However, when faced with an opportunity to toe the line, I tend to long-jump right over said line, firmly into TMI territory. You've been warned. 

To fully understand the magnitude of this situation, I believe a little bit of back-story is necessary...

Reference Point 1: When my husband asked my father for permission to marry me, my father passed along this advice: Whenever she is cranky, get her ice cream.

Reference Point 2: I play a game with my oldest friend. This rules are simple: Rank the Top 5 things you LIVE for. Reasons for getting out of bed in the morning. Motivation for STAYING ALIVE. Number 2 on my list is cheese.   

Reference Point 3: If you haven't seen the movie "French Kiss" starring Meg Ryan and Kevin Klein, I'm going to need you to watch this before we go any further.

Okay, let's get down to business.  

Situation 1: My husband [let's call him Mark] is gluten-free, so we don't bother with groceries that he can't eat. This has caused me to adjust to his dietary lifestyle. So, this brings us to Monday, August 4th. The lunch I've packed includes a sandwich on a new variety of Blended Rice Flour! (TM) bread. It's horrid. I trashed the bread, ate only the lunch meat and cheese, and called it lunch. Naturally, by the time I got home from work I was absolutely starving. Famished. Closer to dead than alive. Mark wasn't going to be home for another couple of hours, so I snacked on a bowl of cereal [fruity pebbles are delicious, gluten-free, and void of any nutritional content!] 30 minutes later; Meg Ryan.

Situation 2: As I mentioned, I've adopted a gluten-free diet. This has caused me to dream about doughnuts, and basically turn into Will Smith from Hitch when I overdose on the Big G. So, when a coworker is craving McDonald's for lunch, I am responsible and get the only gluten-free menu items worth eating: french fries and a milkshake. So, you're probably putting 2 and 2 together faster than I did.

McDonald's Milkshake + 30 Minutes = Meg Ryan. 

Next thing I knew, I was Meg Ryan-ing home in a cab, barely making it home before my next lactose-induced reenactment of The Exorcist. [You're welcome for not linking to a movie clip]

What is happening to me? What did I do in my past life to deserve this? Take me back to those carefree days of [my entire life up until August 4, 2014]; the days of cereal, ice cream, string cheese, nacho cheese, whipped cream, spinach alfredo dip, need I say more?

There is no way to end this on a happy note, other than with the only silver lining I can find: 

By removing dairy [Or, 90%] from my diet, I should be down to an impossible-to-obtain-fitness-magazine-cover-societal-approved-weight in no time! 

Because it's worth sharing.

You’re wondering why this is happening. I’m wondering the same thing myself, actually. It’s happening because I have to survive this life, so you might as well get some entertainment out of it.

 

If you’re looking for paleo recipes, inspirational quotes, home decorating tips, or any of that other Pinterest crap, move right along. You won’t find that here. All I can promise you’ll find here is an unfiltered, unpolished, honest look at life as I’m living it. That, and the Oxford Comma.

 

Let’s begin.

derp.

My dog is [seriously] on Prozac.

Something interesting happened today; my dog's insurance card came in the mail. 

'Dog' is her middle name.

Apparently Dog Prozac is the same thing as People Prozac, and they're both expensive. We found this out a few weeks ago when our border collie decided to start eating her way out of our condo. 

Little known fact: border collies go batshit crazy as they age. 

Another little known fact: your personal health insurance will not cover your dog's expensive prescription medication for her psychotic episodes. 

So, the kind people at Walgreens graciously signed us up for their club. The pharmacy technician entered her birth date and address into the system like she wasn't a dog, yet, her middle name removed all doubt. $20 later we were on our way towards  becoming cardholders of this "not insurance" health insurance plan!

I am a masochist, so I've created a list of the recent expenses added to the debits column, thanks to our batshit border:  

• Vet Bill - $60
• Prozac - $35 (only $15 after the not-insurance-insurance-plan enrollment fee!)
• Home Depot carpet measure and estimate - $35 (you see, our wood floors squeak and this noises frightens our batshit border)
• 3 area rugs and 2 runners - $380 (realizing carpet was a bad decision - priceless)
• Rescue Remedy - $20 (apparently this miracle liquid will transform our nutty pet into a perfect angel)

Grand total: $530

Good thing I have $80 worth of Prozac laying around.